I love how people in Barnes and Nobles talk quietly like it is a library and not a bookstore...

I leave tomorrow for my sophmore year of college.  Mixed emotions, as always.

.......

Some summer pics...it was a great 4 months.  I told my sister that it isn't the aspect of going back to NY that is hard for me, it's just that leaving Colorado isn't very easy on my heart...

So my sister and I are...special

I love leaves...

...and may be a bit of a tree hugger

The story of our lives

Fields of gold

teaching myself guitar, been on my bucket list for years (as you know)

I am a mountain chick, what can I say?

my friend George drew this of me!!

Are you dying of a chronic disease or something?!

My dad posed the title question a few days ago after I played a new song I am learning on the guitar for him.  It seems that in the past few months I have had an uncharacteristic hunger to do and learn things that I have never dabbled in before.  I guess that's what moving away from home can do to you???  Getting out of your comfort zone/bubble can really expose you to the wonderful world out there...and how you can experience more of it!!

I guess it started a few weeks ago when I told Dad I wanted to go backpacking.  We've done it in summers past, but maybe he just thought it was a phase because he observed after the trip that climbing mountains isn't something I've ever really been excited about before...(even though I live in Colorado).

Then, a few weeks later I got astonishingly excited about something entirely new for me: ultimate frisbee.  Now you need to understand something to appreciate this--up until this point, I hated frisbee.  The things scare me, I can't catch it, and I can't throw it.  But in the name of sociability and community, I dragged myself to a game that some friends put together and dear world, I had a blast.  Needless to say I am still terrible at frisbee, and more than one person probably laughed at my antics, but I loved it so much that I myself organized a second ultimate game. It was awesome.  Now I'm trying to figure out how to get away with playing a few games at school on the field before the soccer people yell at us to get off their turf...

And the feat I am still tackling but have made some headway in is something that has been on my bucket list for a year or two.  When I was younger, my mom tried to teach me piano, which she succeeded in, but what she didn't succeed in was igniting a passion in my young soul for staying committed to studying music.  For years after I gave up piano, I convinced myself that I am in no way musically talented and any instrument I try to play will end up sounding more like Sherlock Holme's pitiful violin than anything worth listening to.  But this summer, with a few months of anticipated boredom, I decided to pick up my dad's guitar and teach myself to play.  I've had friends who tried and quit...my sister has taught herself some chords but never stuck with it.  Despite all of these odds stacked against me, I dutifully played for about twenty minutes everyday for about a month.  And now, my friends, this girl right here can play 3 songs and most of the chords (AND I know notes, which I take extra pride in because everyone who plays guitar says that they don't know the notes).  Booyah.  And the songs are awesome ones, too...not like Twinkle Twinkle Little Star or anything, but some jamming radio tunes.

Oh, AND I painted a beautiful picture of Africa with watercolors.  It's beautiful.

So, in conclusion, I am learning that you are never too old to start learning and loving something new (and yes, I consider 20 to be old enough to start using that phrase).  Just hoping that my creative and curious juices keep flowing even when I am confined to the dreadfully quiet study room in the library for the next nine months of my life...

I am a seeker

You know, sometimes I think about, "Why do people blog?" and then more specifically, "Why do I blog?" Sure, I truly believe there is truth to the idea that people who blog are just trying to make themselves known...by the world, their friends, families--anyone who cares.  But for others, I know that blogging is an outlet for them, a way for them to tell those 'people who care', "This is what I am passionate about!!" 

Sometimes, I blog because I want the people I am no longer able to have conversations with to know what's going on in my life.  Other times, I just put out thoughts or things I like for anyone who cares to care about (or not).  And sometimes, I pray that what I say may be an encouragement to the people who reads my words.  Know you aren't alone, people love each other, you can learn through hard circumstances...

Here's my thought today: the ONE THING in the world I don't feel greedy or selfish wanting more of is God.  I tell God, "I want to understand Your Word.  I want to have a deeper relationship with You.  I want You to use me.  I want to experience Your  Kingdom on earth.  I want to be filled with Your Spirit." 

And I cannot believe that it's wrong for me [us] to want any of those things.  Ever. 

Summer Update

From the beginning of May until the middle of June I returned to Gabon to spend some time with my dear friends there!  It was an amazing trip...you can read about it on my Africa blog

I stopped in Paris for a ten day layover in between Gabon and America...I have dreamed of visiting Paris for years, so when my dream came true I was more than thrilled!

Next stop was Chicago, where I was reunited with my family...we then drove on to Michigan to spend a few days with my grandparents...

...it's always fun at Grandma's :)

I haven't danced in a while...I miss it!

then we drove to St Louis area and stayed for a few days with my grandpa on his farm...saw a Cardinals vs. Rockies game, ate almost every meal with all the farmers at their little restaurant...didn't actually drive a tractor, but sitting in it was pretty fun!

Now I am back in Colorado Springs for two months with my family.  We spent the 4th of July with some very good childhood friends, and it was a festive day despite the past few weeks of terrible forest fires that have been raging all over my state.  The Waldo Canyon Fire claimed over 300 homes in my own city.  We are safe, and I am thankful that God has been glorified in so many ways through this tragedy.  

in my Father's house...

Yesterday I read Luke 2 and a passage that I have read over and over again my entire life stuck out to me in a new way this time.

⁴¹ Every year Jesus’ parents went to Jerusalem for the Festival of the Passover. ⁴² When he was twelve years old, they went up to the festival, according to the custom. ⁴³ After the festival was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but they were unaware of it. ⁴⁴ Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day. Then they began looking for him among their relatives and friends. ⁴⁵ When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him. ⁴⁶ After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. ⁴⁷ Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers. ⁴⁸ When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, “Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.”

⁴⁹ “Why were you searching for me?” he asked. “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” ⁵⁰ But they did not understand what he was saying to them.

⁵¹ Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart. ⁵² And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.

When I first read the highlighted verse, I thought to myself, "Jesus, you should have known that your parents would be worried!  Why did you just 'sneak off' like that??"  Then I realized that Jesus was having his moment of "rebellious independence"!  Even good little homeschooled Christian girls like me have that time in their life where one needs to make a move to branch out from their childhood routine, often times at expense of their worried parents.  

The temple was Jesus's "Father's house".  It was the first place where He seemed to take ownership of His ministry and the plans for His life.  And I wondered to myself, "What is my 'Father's house'?"  It doesn't necessarily have to be a place of moving out of my parents' home...it can be that place (or moment, or circumstance, or choice) where one moves on from what is holding them back in their ministry/purpose/dreams.  

The world at large

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't got anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

ends lead to beginnings

I think about the song "the circle of life" as I think about the recurring theme of hellos and goodbyes, moving in and moving out and moving on...and returning. And leaving again. People come and go, some remain constant, others "disappear". Sometimes I am thankful that loss of friendships and severed relationships don't really burden my heart anymore, but other times it worries me that I have become insensitive.

It's funny that there is truth to the idea that the night brings not just physical but emotional darkness as well. This past semester, night time has been when the tears flowed, when the heart was heavy, and when the urge to give up and go home was strongest. But with the morning came hope, and thankfully the Lord always gave enough to last throughout the day.

I love being wrong. I love learning lessons. Being imperfect has never been so normal and good. I love being stripped of my mask so that I can see myself clearly. And I love that I have made friends here that see me clearly as well.

Laughing is therapeutic. So is crying. And as much as it hurts, missing my family is more comforting than forgetting what life with them is like. I'm not sad to leave Nyack at the end of this year, but I know I will be ready to return. I am truly grasping what it means to have no clue what God is going to do with my life. Sweet.

Don't give up hope on anything! Just hope. Just live. Just love.