2012 :)

When I think about the fact that it is the year 2012, I sorta understand what adults mean when they say that time starts to fly by as you get older. I think about how twelve years ago I was a little girl anticipating a double digits birthday, staring in toy store windows at dolls that I wanted for Christmas, and just discovering that boys could be oh so annoying but oh so fun to play with...

Twelve years later...my jaw wants to drop, I want to scream, and I just can't believe all that happens in a little over a decade. Or that I am less than six years away from being done with a formal education...never thought that day would come. Adulthood becomes scary at about this moment. Yet also exciting!

I have less than a week of break left before I head back to Nyack for my second semester. Honestly, contemplating last semester I can't say I am excited to go back, but I am trusting that there are new things in store these next few months so I am eager for change and new things!

To recap last semester, it was hard. It was stressful. It wasn't what I expected from my first semester at a Christian college. But it was eye opening. And I believe than challenges are opportunities to strengthen faith and grow. So I am thankful.

Other than going to school at Nyack this spring semester, I don't know what 2012 holds. I don't think I'll be coming back to Colorado for spring break, so I could be going four to six months without seeing my family...a big challenge! Summer plans are still under prayer.

My prayer for this year:

trust is not a four-letter word

trust is not a four-letter word.
[at least, that is what i keep reminding myself]

i think you know that place of which i speak.
the small area
[approximately the size of a quarter, i'd imagine]
which rests in the center of your chest:
between the caves of your ribs
beneath the muscles and tissues
of your heart and your lungs

this is the place we feel trust
[or lack thereof]

at its most intense times
[when betrayal is fresh]
the pain and discomfort
radiate across our entire being

the tension in the neck
thre pressure on your stomach
nauseated
[imagine the tire of a texas-sized truck
running over your torso
repeatedly; repeatedly]

arms folded
trying to protect the emotional:
the spiritual:
the mental:
using physical means
survival

[logical redemption]

with grace
and time
forgiveness is chosen
the once overwhelming
sensation of suffocation
retreats back into
aforementioned quarter-sized area
and quietly refrains
from causing disturbances
emerging and unsuspecting

hibernation
by definition
conserves energy in
those frigid winter months

but once the warmth of the sun
touches the air
[touches my being]
instead of spring
the fear of feeling
those things that have been
felt before
[crushing me before]
[shredding me before]
emerge

questioning this new light
[or this one? or this one?]
is real; shining; radiating?

perhaps another fluorescent clone
which will project
a washing out of my skin
[grey]
[lifeless?]

i find myself
staying...
...buried

still afraid
and unable to find it.

[to find trust]

written by Anne Jackson, taken from the book Permission to Speak Freely